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Clueless & Free

Couple of quick updates:

• My MRI has been moved from November 17th to November 24th. Please continue to pray that we will see tumor shrinkage on that day. Then we shall all offering Thanksgiving for the good news and eat Tofurkey.
• I am doing fine after my last blog which detailed a trip to the emergency room. I've been busy relaxing and/or working and haven't been able to post, but I am feeling fine. Thank you for all of your kind notes and prayers!
• This blog is ridiculously long and somewhat aimless. You may want to quit reading and enjoy the rest of your day. Don't say I didn't warn you, but this thought has been on my brain since Catalyst and I have to post it.

Onward.

I am in Ohio this weekend. I am speaking to a middle school, a high school, a cancer support group and a church. I have no idea what I am going to say at 3 of those 4 places. I am clueless about what I am going to say, yet feel completely free about how things will turn out. 

I am clueless and free. Why? I've recently stumbled across the fact that I am not a teacher but a story teller. I realize that God has not given me wisdom in the form of a 3 point framework that can be disputed on scientific or theological merit, but a simple story to retell. If you don't like or disagree with the story, that's cool. I'm okay with that. (And that's a big thing for me to say)

So this is what I'm doing... I follow God, along with this story, to middle-schools in tiny towns of Ohio and cancer support groups where probably very few people will be undergoing (or interested in) alternative treatments similar to mine and high schools where kids are more interested in, well... just about anything than me or my story.

But my job is neither to determine who gets to hear my story, nor is it to convince people I am right and they are wrong based upon knowledge or wisdom. My job is to tell simply tell the story. So I go and whatever happens after that isn't up to me.

Scary Thursday...

I woke up this morning at about 11:00 which is very weird for me. I usually give myself all the freedom to sleep in as long as I want, but was really strange to wake up at 11:00. I then hopped into the shower and noticed a few things.

The first thing that happened was my brain started to go. I don't really know how to explain this except one part of my brain noticed another part of my brain was falling apart. Very strange feeling. I first noticed that I started spelling words in the wrong way. How? Really not sure. Literally the words going through my head were...'how do I pronounce the word 'whip'?" Is it 'whip' or 'quip'? The next thought was... hold on, why I am worrying about how to spell the word 'whip'? 

Oh no...

Before I can get that thought out of my mouth, the metallic taste came into my mouth. I stood in the shower having a 100% flashback to San Francisco, it's all starting over.

The next thought was I hope I don't have any... nope, already starting happening. The right side of my mouth, my right arm and legs started feeling numb and tingling.

So, as far as I could tell there were 3 signs of an oncoming seizure:

• Lots of thought patterns into strange side-trails such as 'serious' issues like how to spell 'whip'. This results in my not being able to carry out conversation and saying random words like 'concrete' or 'pillows'.
• Feel a metallic taste enter my mouth.
• Feeling strange numbness down the right side of my face (especially my mouth), arms and legs.

So what next? I hop out of the shower. I wake up Amy, we sit down on the living room floor and she starts praying for me. Then I ask her to ask me a few questions to make sure my mind is working correctly. Finally I start to pray and as I try to speak the words, they won't come out of my mouth... nothing. I can talk okay, but I can't really pray. Interesting.

Then I did the most important thing... I put on underwear. Next, we rush down to the emergency room which happens to be about 2 blocks up the street. They put me in a bed, hook me all up to the wires and throw an IV in. I'm ready.  But really for what? Ready for a seizure I guess... I sure they looked at me like I was crazy. "You're preparing for a seizure?? Ok..."

We waited in the hospital, and thankfully there was no seizure.  It was probably about an hour and a half before the whole ordeal was over. I am feeling much better now except for a small headache and a brief loss of words. It's starting all coming back to me now. I can't really spell anything which is pretty disturbing. In fact, I need Amy to look over all of this before I push send.

All I can ask of you is this.  As I laid the in that hospital bed, I starting thinking to myself... anything can happen if this seizure goes down. I could not wake up. I could be paralyzed. I could wake up and be severally handicapped, I could just wake up again and fee fine! I really don't know. I only know that I am looking straight down the barrel of a seizure. Is this going to happen again? Seeing that on the horizon is a scary thing to look at.

I had the same thought roll through my head again. One thought. I could remember anything, no verses, nothing. All I had was this one thought of Psalm 21:1,

"The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear?

The Lord is the strength of my life; of whom shall I be afraid?"

That was enough. Don't know what happend next, but a few doctors who didn't quite know what to do think were wandering in and out of the room.

I have more thoughts about the balance between 'knowing God will heal me" vs. "praying that his will will be done no matter the outcome'. But can't think about this any more... Time to go to bed.

(thanks to Amy for looking this over. I can't type very well right now)

LAX > GRR = Random

Writing this on the phone flying from Los Angeles to Grand Rapids so please pardon the typos and the random thoughts. I was reminded today that this month is Breast Cancer Awareness month and on each leg of my flights there seems to be a flight attendant wearing a pink uniform because they are a breast cancer survivor. Every flight has a cancer survivor.

Cancer is everywhere.

After hearing this announcement I was informed by the lovely lady sitting on the plane next to me, Karen, that her sister, Pam, just finished her first year of radiation and chemotherapy for Breast Cancer. How's that for a conversation start?! Nevertheless you can imagine we had lots to talk about during our flight. Many book, film and idea recommendations being swapped back and forth, but most importantly, full-on encouragement from a complete stranger. She told me she randomly took the earlier flight. Random? Come on now... I'm so over random.

Born.

I've been nervous to reach my birthday for a few weeks now. I feel like this birthday is supposed to be different because I have cancer. Previously, I was just going to be turning 28... who cares? But now, I am turning 28 in the midst of a search for a new perspective on life. For some reason, I felt I should receive something profound to say or to do. I thought God may give me a clear path to follow for my life. It seems reasonable that God would hold onto big life-changing decisions so he could disperse them on important days like birthdays or maybe even Thanksgiving. So I was ready to receive something new and important. In fact, I went to bed early last night in anticipation of this day and what it might hold for me.

My body woke up at 6:00 this morning. The first thing that popped into my head was a line a song of one of my favorite bands. So I reached over and grabbed my phone, sat in my dark room and listened to the words of one of my favorite songs, 'Born' by Over the Rhine.

"I was born to laugh. I learned to laugh through my tears.

I was born to love. I gonna learn to love, without fear."

It was a great way to start a birthday. Some people have asked what my perfect birthday celebration would be. This morning I decided it would be dinner with my wife and an Over The Rhine concert.

Speaking at Loyola Marymount Univ.

We just finished filming Matthew Sleeth's dialogue for his short film series so I can actually relax for a few minutes...Our time here has been very good. The Dot&Cross team is doing a great job of pulling this all together and I'm feeling really good about this shoot.

(Side-note / Random Fact: The Director of Photographer for our shoot is the same DP who did SNL's 'I'm on a Boat'. If you don't know what I'm talking about... forget I mentioned it.)

So the other night, Rosanna, a friend of mine, was kind enough to pass my name onto a student group at Loyola Marymount University called "Late Night".  It's a group of about 50-70 students from the University who get together at the "Lion's Den" and talk on a weekly basis. They invited me to come tonight and share my story and, as promised, I take any opportunity God puts in front of me to share His story so I said 'yes'. That's the benefit of having God as your booking agent. He knows where I need to be and who I need to talk to so you never have to doubt if He is giving you a bum gig!

If you are in LA and want to drop by... I'd love to meet you. *Disclaimer - I don't know if it's a student-only thing or not. But if they don't let you in, tell them I asked for you to come. You can do that thing they always do in the movies where you point to me and wave. I won't know who you are but I promise to wave back like I'm inviting you in. It'll totally work.

Nearness of Her

Recently, Amy did a photo shoot with me for a magazine article coming out later this year. On this particular October day we joined our friend Kelly (and her dog Walter) at her condo down in South Haven. We went for a walk on the beach to shoot during this amazing weather front that was rolling through Michigan. It wasn't really cold, but the wind was whipping across the beach announcing that Fall was officially here, bringing unusually large waves and massive clouds with gaps big enough to let the light pour through. It was dark and ominous, but there was also a feeling of peace and comfort. I can't explain it and don't care to. It just felt good.

I told the writer of the article that these pictures represent how I feel in my head right now. I can't quite explain it but there a constant battle of light and dark. My thoughts go back and forth like the waves and the wind, but there is still a peace. It reminds me of what Peter must have thought while stepping out of the boat and onto the waves to meet Jesus on the water. He was probably thinking, "This is so messed up, but for some reason I feel safe. Everything is going to be Okay." 

Catalyst Conference 2009!

Sitting with Matthew reviewing our material before our presentation here at the Catalyst Conference. We are very excited to present some advance info on our the new project collaboration between Matthew and Dot&Cross debuting Earth Day 2010.

If you happen to attend our 2:15 pm presentation today, I would love to hear your thoughts. Feel free to comment below with critique and/or thoughts.

I'll post later and let you know how things go!