I am in Philadelphia. But this time I am visiting my second home for a very different purpose. I am undergoing Proton Therapy treatment. Why have I decided, after all of these years, to do conventional medicine? I wish I could explain it to you in a simple manner but I can't. However, I'm going to take these first moments of my time in Philly to try.
I visited Mayo in late September for my annual check-up. The doctor told me that my tumor was still growing and even though I felt fine, it was putting the rest of my brain/body at risk. The doctor did everything he could to tell me that I desperately needed conventional treatment. That without it, I had maybe one to two years left to live. He told me he was planning on removing surgery from my series of options. He told me the tumor was growing to a size where surgery wouldn't fix anything, but only make things worse. Again, this isn't surgery to remove the tumor, but to give my brain room to expand when needed. I have to admit this new idea of removing surgery from my treatments scared me. He finished the conversation by telling me that my tumor is still growing and, should we check it, would most likely be rated at a Grade III or even a Grade IV by now. Goodness, that news cut me deep.
It put me in a strange place where radiation and chemotherapy seem to be my only remaining conventional options. I've done as much as I could though natural treatments. And who knows, maybe that's why I'm still blogging today. Alive and kicking nearly six years into this journey by choosing absolutely no conventional treatments at all. But how long can my alternative treatments keep me going? I admit it was beyond disheartening to hear that my cancer was continuing to grow.
The last time I was in the hospital, I was reminded by someone, I can't remember who, that God can change what he asks of us. At first I was in shock over this concept. I hate to speak for God, but for the first five years I could stand confidently to say he asked me not to undergo any conventional treatment. I was positive of that! It was mentioned that maybe God was now changing his mind on what he was asking me to do. That maybe he was 'now' asking me to undergo conventional treatment.
The key word in that last sentence is "now". Now, that I'm in a happy marriage. Now, that I have one and a half kids. Now, that I've discovered this concept of shalom, what Ed Dobson explained to me as finding peace in my position on this earth. Maybe God had to take me through those miserable five years to bring me to where I am at right now. I just don't like the concept of God changing his mind about how I should treat this tumor.
Goodness... and who knows, maybe he's not. Maybe this is all me placing my scrambled thoughts on God.
It all started when a good friend of mine, Don, was traveling through Grand Rapids and called me to meet him for a late dinner. I rarely see him so I was glad to join him. He had previously explained to me that his mom had cancer and he was unfortunately preparing for her death. So I asked, "How is your mom?" He responded with incredible news. He expected to find her bed-ridden, but now she was going to the store, going to church, having friends come over to visit. I was in shock! How on earth did this happen?! Don responded, Proton Therapy. I remember reading about this type of treatment early on as I was choosing treatment but honestly had forgotten about it's specifics. He told me he was so thankful for Proton Therapy because it was prolonging his mom's life. He also told me about Scott Hamilton (yes, the ice-skater) who he was familiar with. Scott had gone through Proton Therapy that completely cured him of his brain tumor. Now he raises money to promote Proton Therapy treatment. My meeting with Don was so completely random. It was this last minute, late at night discussion where I typically find myself making massive decisions. We discussed cancer for much of our time together. Maybe God had sent Don to use that conversation to point me in the right direction.
Lori was thrilled with this news and started researching. She discovered one of the ten places where Proton Therapy is offered was Philadelphia. I could stay with my sister Angie over my six weeks of treatment. The special thing about Proton Therapy is that there are rarely any side effects. It does a much better job than typical radiation which makes it's users ridiculously tired. I'm in the middle of ghostwriting a book so I can't afford that type of daily tiredness. On brain tumors, I have read that you can really only do radiation once, but with Proton Therapy you can return to do it many more times. It's so precise that they specifically use this type of treatment on kids who need to hold onto their brain function for many years to come.
So, yes, I am now changing my mind. To trust this peculiar God who has previously given me strong hints of which direction he wanted me to go. I can't say with near as much confidence he wants me to choose this new conventional therapy, but I must say I am feeling quite open to it. Maybe I needed to go through those five horrible years to land me where I am now. I'm leading a relatively normal life these days, which could breed a much more normal type of cancer treatment.
I hate to admit how guilty I feel, like I've just randomly turned my back on alternative treatments. After promoting alternative treatments for so long, I feel horrible that I've finally been bent to choosing conventional. I don't entirely know what to do with that thought. It's such a new concept that I'm still trying to find a home for it. It all just happened so quickly. How can I tell you to pursue alternative treatments, something I truly believe operated in saving my life when I, myself, am now pursuing conventional treatments? Goodness, I truly don't know.
My Philly doctor told me I have a 50% chance of living another ten years when this round of treatment is done. And while that sounds great, what do I do with that information? Do I trust it the same way I trusted these ridiculously smart doctors giving me inaccurate dates of my death? I honestly have no idea. I want to go through this treatment with absolutely no expectations, but unfortunately I have learned my expectations are a massive game-changer when it comes to my body choosing to heal itself.
So this ongoing confusion serves as the basis for my new mustache. Everything in my life feels so weird right now, so I decided to grow something weird on my face. This is definitely the first time I have ever tried to pull this off. By the time I come back to GR, I will most likely have shaved it off. But any photos of me in Philadelphia will have this 'stache as part of my bizarre six-week experience.
Lori and Marian left me early this morning. I do feel like these following five weeks will move so ridiculously slow. My seizures in December left me unable to drive so now I just stare at the spare car sitting in my sister's driveway. If there are any readers nearby Moorestown, New Jersey let me know. Would love to meet up with some new friendly faces over the next six weeks.
It was a good six years of only pursuing alternative treatments, but now I'm officially undergoing conventional methods via Proton Therapy. My naturopath Micah surprisingly agreed with me on pursuing this new type of therapy. I honestly can't say I'm thrilled with it, but it has somehow found it's way of happening. I guess it's the same feeling as looking into the mirror and realizing this strange mustache somehow continues to grow.
So be it.