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I love my cancer

Unfortunately, I really don’t have that much to say today. In fact, this day has snuck up on me. I’m sure the majority of you have heard all of my stories a thousand times, but I think it's time for me to start living out a story that has been actively brewing in my mind for a few years now. And there is no easy way to get this off my chest, so I'll just say it out loud:

I love my cancer. I am at peace with my cancer. 

I assume those words mean something similar to an athlete who says he “loves” the sweat pouring from his body during his muscle-destroying training. Or a solo cellist who “loves” his rigorous practice schedule. Or a mother who “loves” watching her disabled child develop, despite the overwhelming struggles it brings every day. It's a strange kinda love. A love you never really considered, but a love that snuck up on you, that has attached itself to you, that won’t let you go.

I feel strange saying it, but in my life, it’s true: I love my cancer. I am at peace with my cancer. I'm tired of trying to "battle it," to "outthink it," to "destroy it." I'm fine to walk with it for a bit longer and if it chooses to stay or to leave, I'll accept that. As the scripture tells us: "Can anyone of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?" Pretty sure the rhetorical answer to that question is 'no.' 

I feel as though I'm being called, more and more strongly each day, to do something unique. It's a similar feeling as to when I had to write my own book, Thank You Kung Fu, or start up my nonprofit, Bent Not Broken. But in order to reach that next step, I have to have the right heart. And as days go by, I realize the only thing I can do that truly means anything is to embrace love and peace.

So as I move forward, today, tomorrow, maybe even another day if the Lord sees fit, all I ask for are more moments to show and receive true love and true peace. I'm sorry, I'm wearing these words thin on reporting about a half-witted thought. So I'll just end with this:

Thank you for the love and peace you've offered me over the last ten years. You have no idea how much you have changed me. I hope I get to see you again soon. I’ve got a giant bear hug I've been planning to give to you.

Love and Peace, my friends.

*Partial* Independence Day

Hello to those of you who are still checking in!

First off, I just wanted to report my entire family came and visited Grand Rapids to celebrate the 4th of July. My parents spent WAY too much money on all of us (movie tickets, fancy pasta ingredients, Tree Runner amusement park passes, zoo passes, and so on...) but in the end, we created some fantastic memories we will cherish forever. Not to mention we learned the gender of my younger sister's baby! But we promised to keep it a secret until she ready to announce it, so stay tuned!

And while we had a blast celebrating the birth our of nation, I have to admit I have killed off a bit of my own freedom. I feel I've been struggling to report this news, but as I've previously said, I wanted to share everything I've been going through. 

In 2009 I, quite loudly, declared that I was going to face this cancer only through alternative treatments. And in that journey you would not believe some of the things that were offered to me. Everything from being offered magical crystal stones, to chiropractic work where the doctor (as he fixed your back) would tell you of all your previous lives, to checking prices on flights to go to magical lakes around the world with special healing water that was shown to heal incurable diseases. All I can say is that I've learned a lot of what the alternative world offers be it right or wrong. *And of course, as I'm typing this, my wife sends me this text: 

“One does not discover new lands without consenting to lose sight of the shore for a very long time.” - Andre Gide

But as many of you know, I went through radiation in the summer of 2015. It took half of my hair and half of my memories, but the doctors said it, technically, "saved my life." Recently I've had a few more seizures. The one in front of Sparrows coffee shop where Lori and I were in the van and just before I put the car into "drive," I started seizing as my foot pushed the accelerator all the way to the ground. Ugh...

Then there was the seizure in the middle of the night where I woke to see multiple firemen standing around my bed. Maybe a dream for some of you ladies out there, but not for me. And due to these events, I have been convinced that I need to give up driving. Sold the BMW and am now on foot... But the struggle continues considering the most important people in my life have all told me I need to start taking chemotherapy. 

I hate to say it, but now I am taking chemotherapy. I was prescribed to take five pills each month. Now, I know others have gone through the IV method, and props to you because I have heard of the miserable effects that has on the body. Cheers to each one of you! But I just wanted to let you know that I'm now on chemo, and I'm trying so desperately hard not to hate every single second of it. All of the rumors are true, it simply wrecks my soul. My body hurts, my brain is in a funnel, 

And to add onto this horrific demonizing pill, it appears it is working. A recent MRI shows my brain is now "less burdened." There has been a tiny bit of shrinkage which is the only thing allowing me to keep popping back these pills. I always have to come up with an explanation for why I'm doing these things, so here's the explanation for this: one day, when I'm sick, in the hospital, saying my "see ya laters," someone will ask, did chemotherapy work? And I will say, "ya know? I never took chemotherapy," which would make me feel like the dumbest man on the planet. So I figure if you're going to take it, take it when your body still has a chance to use it to it's full potential.

So I ask that you would pray for me, not for this cancer to be cured, but that I can have a better attitude about this chemotherapy which is, apparently, working right now. I didn't see it happening this way due to the miserable effects it has on my body, but who knows. As my mother always says, I just need to stay alive LONG ENOUGH until they do find a cure. Nevertheless, I do feel like I've lost a bit of my freedom to make my own choices. 

I hope those who have bought my book are enjoying it! I would love to hear your thoughts on it, so feel free to email me! If you are new to my journey, check out Thank You Kung Fu and purchase my book. That oughta catch you up!

Till then, love & peace... 

Thank You Kung Fu (FINALLY!)

 

I purchased a book for Lori on our last anniversary. Each page has a small little exercise that both of you fill out so you can get to know each other a little better. One of the pages asked us, "What are you the most proud of?" I thought that should have been a pretty simple question for me to answer, but it wasn't. I've had the opportunity to participate in some amazing things, fantastic projects, and incredible random events. But I couldn't figure out what I was the most proud of. And then, like a right hook, it hit me...

It's this damn book. Never have I put this much hard work into a single project, never have I cried so many tears, never have I struggled so much to know what to and not to include. But here we are. It's done.

I have previously said before that no one knew all of the details in this book, even my wife Lori who only discovered the details when she read the book just before it was printed. All that to say, I have emptied my guts into this book. The ridiculous things I've done, the miserable decisions I've made, the horrible moments that have left me in shock. It's just, I feel like it's just all too much. And as I say in the preface, I'm absolutely positive every single one of us has heard crazier stories, but this one is my story to tell.

I get to own this story. 

I hope that you find some sort of wisdom in this book, even if that wisdom is, "TO NEVER EVER DO THIS!" But that is what true stories should be about. Helping express both the good and bad decisions we make and hoping that people can learn from them. I love all of you for participating in this with me! Thank you!

Feel free to stop by The Sparrows Coffee Shop (1035 Wealthy St.) this Saturday to pick up a signed book, whether you paid for it through Kickstarter or you'd like to purchase it then. I'll be there all day! If you'd like to purchase this online, go to Mascot Book's site and purchase it there.